“You have never made love to a woman” My fears whispered from my inside. They made my bones shake, and my clothes got tighter to my body, trying to protect me from that “unknown” situation. “You don’t know how to do it, you won’t be good enough.” My insecurity was taking over me as quick as the Sun started to hide behind the horizon…leaving me in complete darkness. Some words started to fly around my mind: perfection, purity, virginity, pleasure, self-stem, disappointment, stereotypes, prohibitions, society… My fears were in charge of stirring them and kept whispering at my ear.
It was then when I felt her fingertips touching my face, and then my neck. And before I could even realise, my eyes had already closed with the warmth from her lips on my lips…through which I could almost feel her heartbeat. I had a free woman in from of me, free in the full sense of the word FREEDOM: freed, emancipated from all the unnecessary, from everything we add and get added to us in order to be something that we are not.
The electricity started to flow between us as our hands travelled more and more centimetres of each other’s skin. Her daring green eyes announced, without notice, that her hands were releasing me from my shirt… and with it, all the fears that tried to tighten it more to my body. That way I could finally understand the freedom I was yearning for, HER FREEDOM, that made her so irresistible.
I unbuttoned her shirt prejudice by prejudice. All preconceived ideas I had about both of us started to fray as her body appeared from underneath her clothes. She undid my bra, which immediately stopped oppressing my body, allowing me to show my real self: without unnecessary tricks, without fake anti-gravity qualities, without insecurity about my asymmetrical anatomy. My low self stem decided to leave then, alongside my fears and prejudices.
I spent minutes observing her naked body. Every time I took a breath I could identify her most intimate scent, driving me into a beautiful sensation, until I was finally able to clearly see her essence: the moles all over her chest resembled an unique galaxy in the Universe. Important ideas and values such as justice, equality, courage, rebellion… turned around instead of planets.
Our incandescent bodies embraced, for the first time in my life I felt I’d love my heart to be on the right side of my chest, so it could beat just opposite to hers in our intimate embrace… and I haven’t stopped feeling it since.
I laid face down as her kisses and bites circled my waist. I could feel the warmth from her thighs tightening over my hips, and her tongue travelling my back. My skin bristled as she started to infect me with HER FREEDOM. She rested her small hands on my shoulder blades and said, as if it was a spell: “Your wings are growing already.”
We kissed and caressed every curve, every corner, every stretch mark, every mole, every hair, every complex, every insecurity, every atom of imperfection… which had just become absolutely perfect and unique. That was how all my complexes decided to join my fears, my prejudice and my low self stem…who had already started to walk away in a straight line.
As unavoidable as it is to breathe, so it was for me to kiss her whole body. I spent minutes swimming within the most natural truth from her womb. I enjoyed it as if I was a little girl who dived into the sea for the first time. Later on I understood I had just been baptised with the purest water of all. I realised that my idea of purity was a tremendous mistake. What could possibly be more pure than warm and clean water coming from a living, breathing body which loves FREELY? Why are innocence and virginity considered so important? None of them is as simple and true as living the present moment second by second, as valuing the person breathing next to you here and now! giving you the only thing that can be owned and given without return: time, the present moment. That’s how both ideas (purity and virginity) joined the group of fugitives that ran away from me that night.
We dived into each other as if it was a warm summer day, despite the fact that the full Moon was smiling at us and touching us with her light through the window. We tangled up our wings, our virtues, our breasts, our hair… in a little bed somewhere in the world. But to me it meant untangling mi mind, detaching it from everything that stopped me from being myself and standing up for it. My creativity wings grew up, all the ideas that were hurting me ran away from me, and my body celebrated itself, loved itself and respected itself the way it is for the very first time.
No, I had never made love to a woman before. And it wasn’t that simple, because that night I also made love with feminism, with FREEDOM: I embraced her, exposed her, explored every corner, understood and integrated her in my body: I made her, (FREEDOM), mine.
Ingrid Parrilla Sanchez